Grad Hacker

Photo by: midiman

Here at Grad Hacker, we feel that simply being productive is not enough. What good is your inner, clandestine, productivity, if your bosses, colleagues, and you yourself don’t really know the extent of just how unbelievably productive, busy, stressed, in a rush, and important you really are? For these, reasons, we will periodically provide you with a tip on how to act productive.

Let me make something clear. Many productive people are not in the best of shape; they don’t have the time to spend running a machine that goes nowhere or moving metal weights around for no reason. So they simply don’t exercise, ever. 

Amateurs. They have yet to realize that poor health, hospitalization, or death are some of the largest impediments to productivity out there. But real productive people know this. They know they’re busier than everyone else at the gym, but they also know they have to go to the gym to prevent grave health issues that could prevent them from doing work in the future. This could seem a predicament to the mere mortal, but not to the productive. Here enter those little plastic things you can throw over the treadmill display.

Productive people bring work to the gym. You should try it too if you want to be productive. Not only will it help you catch up on that huge list of things you’re behind on, it will give you a nearly untouchable combo feeling of efficiency and superiority knowing that while all your peers are wasting their time listening to Kanye’s Stronger, you’re getting work done and getting exercise. At the same time. Snap.

There are endless possibilities of people and work that can be combined together at the gym to create productivity bliss. Here I list a few. Recognize that some of these are advanced productive maneuvers so the reader is encouraged to start slow, perhaps a single academic paper, or some class reading before moving on to more courageous moves. 

1. Undergrad social science or humanities major with this week’s reading printed out two pages per page to save paper. This is a good starting point. A slightly more advanced modification is to carry a highlighter with you. If you’re running, this could be hard since the print is really small and the whole treadmill is vibrating, so either pick it up off the plastic tray and bring it closer to your face, or get on a stationary bike. Also, any and all reading material in the weight room is appropriate since there’s built in down time between sets. Lastly, the reading need not stop during stretching. You can just put it on the floor next to your face and do stretches where you’re on your side or stomach and still read a few sentences at a time. 

2. The TA’s or professors with material to be graded. This is by definition more advanced since it requires the tell-tale red pen to be carried around. Since your markings need to be slightly legible, the treadmill is not much of an option for this. The weight room is best and the stationary bike a solid second choice. Between sets, casually walking around while you read the student’s work with red-pen in hand is a good way of displaying your productivity to others and hopefully inspiring them. 

3. The entrepreneurs or socialites with the phone calls to be made. Seriously, why waste so much time silently exercising, when you could be on the phone? I’m not talking about the skinny freshman dude getting calls in the weight room from his friends to whom he needs to explain that he’s in the weight room and he checked the basketball courts but didn’t seem them there. He’s doing biceps and chest today. Maybe some abs if he has time. No, I’m not talking about him. He doesn’t have a bluetooth or some other headset, which is absolutely necessary, he’s also not panting heavily, so the person on the other line can barely make out the words. You need to be talking about business issues or planning a dinner party to qualify in this category.

Warning: The next example is for extremely advanced productivites (yes that’s a word), and should not be tried by amateurs. It was also witnessed by the author. For real.

4. The tablet PC folded up and placed on the plastic tray on the treadmill. This is the ultimate productive move. Your possibilities for work are endless: Gmail, Facebook (for strategic contacts), NY Times, pdfs, heck even Excel spreadsheets. You name it, it’s possible. You have to run slowly or walk to make sure your PC doesn’t fall off, but if that’s taken care of, you’ve just ordained yourself as queen/king of the gym. Congratulations.